Understanding People Pleasing: Why We Do It and Steps To Reclaim Yourself

People-pleasing is an anxiety based challenge that many face. On the surface, people pleasing is a pattern of routinely putting others' needs ahead of your own, even at the expense of your own well-being. People pleasers also struggle with boundaries, assertiveness, and prioritizing their own needs. Underneath those behaviors is anxiety and fear based beliefs about the need to be liked and useful. People pleasers are generally hyperaware of others' moods and needs, a state that can leave on exhausted.

To find the roots of people pleasing, you will need to look back towards childhood. In these developmental stages, one may have learned that their value or safety was linked to being agreeable, diffusing conflict, or being useful to others. Over time, this pattern can become a default mode of behavior, in which one feels compelled to manage other people's emotions and reactions, often sacrificing their own well-being and needs in the process. Avoiding fights, tending to others' needs, and self sacrifice may seem like a way to maintain relationships, it can actually lead to the opposite. By constantly putting others’ needs before your own, you risk becoming resentful, burned out, and emotionally drained. People pleasers may also attract individuals who (consciously or unconsciously) take advantage of their tendency to please, resulting in unbalanced and unhealthy relationships. Does this sound like you? You're not alone, many people struggle with this but growth and healing is absolutely possible.

Here are some strategies to help:

Practice Self-Awareness: Begin by noticing when people pleasing behaviors come up. Note any patterns or triggers. Become curious about the beliefs underlying your stress and anxiety. Reflect on how these beliefs drive your behavior and how they influence your decisions.

Set Boundaries: Establishing boundaries is a foundational step for overcoming people pleasing. Invest some time in learning about boundaries and how to incorporate them in your life. Popular books include Boundaries by Henry Cloud and Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab.

Practice Assertiveness: Practice expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly, directly, and respectfully. If needed, seek help or support in managing the emotions or fears that come up when you do so.

Prioritize Self-Care: Self-care is essential for breaking free from people-pleasing. Dedicate time to focus on your own needs and engage in activities that bring you joy and satisfaction. Develop a self-care routine that supports your physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Learn more about true self care here.

Seek Support: Overcoming people-pleasing can be tough, so seeking support is important. Whether through friends, family, or a mental health professional, finding a supportive community can offer a safe space to address the underlying beliefs and fears driving your behavior.

Remember, changing the pattern of people-pleasing takes time, effort, and support. With the right tools and resources, you can cultivate a life grounded in self-worth, self-care, and meaningful relationships.